Captain Alchemist
by goldfishlover73
Summary: Raising boys might be easier than raising Roy.


Madame Christmas didn't know the first thing about raising a little boy.

But she knew that this wasn't right.

"Roy." She frowned. "I thought I took that away from you…" the seven year old jumped, eyes wide like he was just caught with a nudie mag. He pulled the old worn out book to his chest, which almost hid him completely. The words 'Introduction to Basic Alchemy' mocking her on the worn cover.

"It's mine! Mr. Gruuman gave them to me!" Christmas rolled her eyes, cursing the Major General to hell.

"You can't even read it."

"I can too read!" he huffed.

She took a step towards him, only for his to pull the book even closer, the pages crinkling as they smeared over his chest. "I know you can read Roy-Boy, but I think this might be a little…too advanced for you."

He rolled his eyes, "I'm using my phoenix. I can do it!" he said in an I-told-you-so tone.

She rose a brow "Phoenix?" _what the hell is- _"Do you mean phonics?"

The boy furrowed his brow that made her want to ruffle his hair and pinch his cheek-if the situation was different. He looked up at her and shook his head. "No, definitely phoenix."

She wanted to strangle him.

Instead she sighed deeply. "Whatever kid, listen: You're a seven year old boy. Seven year old boys don't read alchemy books"

He looked indignant. "Then _what_, pray tell, am I_ suppose_ to read?"

_You are too much like your father I swear. _She reached into her jacket. "This." She held it out to him, where he looked at it like it was diseased.

"What is it?"

She scowled. "It's a comic book."

It was still diseased as he took it between his fingers.

She sighed, "It's about superheroes boy! The good guys fighting the bad guys! Saving the day and all the people in the whole city! Getting the girl…" he continued to stare at her blankly. _Enough of this…_ she jabbed him in the chest. "Just read it." Roy clutched his chest, but turned himself, opening the book. Chris smiled as the boy soon hunched over, hands cradling his chin. She bent over, picked up the alchemy book with distaste and left the room. _Maybe this won't be too hard._

III

Madame Christmas stared in horror at her barroom. Chris had seen quite a few strange things in her bar in her day, but this…"Captain Alchemist! To the rescue!" A seven year old running around the bar with his 'sisters' linger on his head, was completely new to her.

That isn't the right description: he had a pink corset on his head, a black camisole that came to his knees and a pair of stocking on his butt that would trip him up if he hadn't already run them to where his feet would stick out. All topped off with some silk…something wrapped around his neck. She scanned the room and found the culprit sniggering in the doorway. _She will die_.

"I am Captain Alchemist!" the boy screamed, running through and around her howling patrons. She stared mortified as he stopped in front of one of the regulars, Tom, shaking his fist at him. "I am here to save the people of east city from the terrible tyrant!"

"Me! Oh I hope not little guy! I'm just a hard working Joe!"

"Of course not you simple citizen!" Roy waved the man off. "I'm talking real, mean tyrant! Swiping away the innocence of little boys all around this fair city!"

_Where the hell did he learn 'tyrant?'…Grumman…_

Tom wiped his eyes, "Oh brave hero! Who is this 'tyrant' you speak of?"

Roy grinned, "I'm glad you asked…" _Oh shit…_ Roy jabbed a finger at her, making the whole bar erupt in more laughter. "The evil Christmas!" he pulled his silk cape (god knows what it's really used for), over his face, only showing his eyes before he dramatically tossed it behind him. "Here to destroy the innocence of little boys all over east city! Giving them _comic books and footballs _and taking away _my_ books and chemistry sets!" he pressed hand to his heart, eyes downcast as there was unison 'Awe' that filled the bar.

"You about burned this place down!"

"No excuses this time fiend!"

"Where are you learning these words?"

"You're not the only innocent little boy she's 'tarnished.'" Tom smirked, smacking the boy on the back, making his knees buckle and fall.

"I will kill you Tom." She seethed, making her way across the bar, the crowd parting with every step.

"Well," Roy gasped, getting to his feet, "That may very well be true citizen, but-" the boy froze as he looked straight up at Chris, hands on her hips, glowering down at him.

"That's enough Roy."

He held up his left pointer finger as he looked down rustling through his 'utility belt' and held up a mascara pen. He grinned. "With my sword I will vanquish you!"

Chris rolled her eyes as the bar erupted in another howl of laugher. "Enough of this."

"Prepare to-nyah!" Before Roy could finish, she dipped down real fast before grabbing the boy by the ankle, dangling him in the air, somehow the corset somehow still sticking to his head. She lifted him high making him make eye contact with her. She smiled sweetly. "Time for bed Roy-Boy! Say goodnight!" she held him to face the crowd where he gave a weak wave. "Because the next time you see the light of day, you'll be thirty." She whispered. "Or," she added, carrying him towards his bedroom in the back. "Or see your little alchemy book."

"What! He started thrashing and wiggling. She dropped him on his bed, still clad in all his super hero attire.

"You pull another stunt like that, I'll get you a football." She said slamming the door. She listened for a moment to his sound of defeat. _Hn. Maybe boys aren't that hard after all._


End file.
